Park Time!

Mother's Day

Look at what my baby made me at school! (Here is the quote)

Sometimes you get discouraged
Because I am so small
And always leave my fingerprints
On furniture and walls.

But every day I'm growing -
I'll be grown some day
And all those tiny handprints
Will surely fade away.

So here's a little handprint
Just so you can recall
Exactly how my fingers looked
When I was very small

Tattoo!

I finally got the tattoo of alex's name covered... It feels so good to not have to see his name anymore, thats a big lesson learned dont do that again (putting a man's name on you) a big no no!

* i will go in for my 2nd one which will be jaselle's name on the top of my right foot! ( I will post pictures as soon as i get it done!)

I have not a clue in this world when i will date again! OMG! I started talking to this guy back in October and went out on 1 date with him to the movies i November and i was cautious cause, my heart was still not fully open and ready for heartache again. I finally let my guard down and started being open with this man his name is Adrian, At first i didnt think anything of him like that and i thought maybe he could just be a good friend but, as the days went in to weeks and months, I saw something in him that i liked and wanted to experience more of. I knew that he was in the middle of a divorce, i know i should of just stayed away till he was done and divorced but, i didnt. He has a little boy from that marriage about a year older than jaselle. My parenting plan says that neither me or jaselles dad can have the person we are seeing around her so, i never took her around him or his son. Back to the story i was really good at keeping my feelings low key and then i knew that i would need to tell him that over the course of the time of seeing him i had developed feelings for him well he went mia for like 3-4 days and then texted me and started asking all these questions... I just gave up because, i dont feel like it would of went anywhere with him after that. I miss him and i know that is has to be for the better doesnt it? Like the picture says : I will let him find me this time... ♥

Running smootly so far...

WOW! I havent had the time to blog since last year! Lots has happened!! Me and Jaselle have been enjoying our new place, Me and Alex (jaselles dad) went to mediation in january to set up some kind of parenting plan for visitation cause, he was acting like he didnt care to see her and he is paying child support so i didnt want to look like i had been keeping jaselle away from him... We agreed that she goes with him on Thursdays for the 8 hours that i am working. And Starting June 6th he will get her every other sunday from 3pm to 7pm for the summer until September! Things have been going good so far and she does cry when he takes her but, i do reasure her that she will be back when i get off work... And i can tell that alex is having a good time with her and hopefully they will be able to re build that bond they once shared...

I need my bed back...

Jaselle has been sleeping in my bed with me since she was about 1 years old so about one year now. I didnt have much to complain about at first, she would just sleep and not wake me up and bother me and kick me. Well its just me and her now in my queen size bed and she is crazy she refuses to sleep on her side so that makes for a super long night with a 2 year old sleeping right almost on top of you! Its gonna be a hard thing to do when i have let sleep in my bed for the last year of her life, but i really do need my bed back. She has her own twin size bed in her room ... So that will be my goal to try to have her sleep in her own bed... Wish me luck...

CHRISTmas

I havent blogged in such a LONG time... So many things to talk about.. I cant believe its already holiday season already! Where in the world does the time go? This year has gone by so crazy fast!!! Its starting to feel like CHRISTMAS we got our 1st snow fall of the season last night and its actually still snowing while i type lol. Me and Jaselle put up the christmas tree last weekend... Its so PRETTY and she just loves it ... She says mama twee twee lol too cute. I have about 5 gifts under there and she wont leave them alone. It must be the age! 2 year olds so much fun..

Living at my mommy's house...

Yep i am staying at my mom's till this weekend when i get to move in to my new place, Yes i do move alot so what hehehehe...

I was talking to my cousin last night & she said your moving again "wow you are your mother's daughter" lol its a family thing since my mom moves around like crazy. But she didnt stay in the same town she moved to different states thats a little bit different. And i hope she stays in Yakima, i love to have her so close for many reasons...

Well its funny living back at your mom's with your mom and your step dad and your moody 6 year old sister. Jaselle is getting used to it and i think once this weekend comes she is not going to be happy to leave hahaha...

I have figured out if i slide the two sofa's together me & jaselle can sleep together yet apart and i can get some much needed rest...

I also like that my mom makes me dinner like last night she made my favorite chili and cornbread yummy yummy.. Not the stuff bought in a can or the cornbread that is frozen...

Looking forward to tonights dinner... Oh ya and i like to spend extra quality time with my mom.

No more...

Ok i am done with his bullshit... I have had nothing but heartbreak over and over and i am sick and tired of his shit! Seriously, i am opening a child support case today and i am praying that i get more than $200.00 a month and he stays at his job once they start garnishing his wages. I need help financialy and he only wants to help when he thinks its convient for him...

Wish me luck on my child support case....

Moving...

Yep! I am moving yet again. I just need to downsize on some bills and get in to a cheaper place before winter time comes around... I put my 20 day notice to move so, i have been on the hunt looking for a place to rent. I havent had much luck so i am still looking and i am getting boxes ready and placing them in to Jaselle's room and will be moving my stuff in to a storage unit August 30th if for some reason i have not found and rented a place. I will stay with my mom if it comes down to that.
Its hard to think about moving again and especially without alex for the last 4 years he was there to help move the house basically all by himself. But i do believe that i am doing what is in the best interest for me and my daughter...

my angel baby

I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks pregnant. I woke up saturday july 18th, 2009 and noticed blood so, i went to the hospital after filling my bladder with water enough to try to see the baby since i was not far along. 2 ultrasounds one performed by a ultrasound tech and the other the er doctor they both said they could not see a viable pregnancy and that i had most likely had a miscarriage. My mom was there to watch Jaselle for me during this while i was at the hospital and this i can say is the WORST pain a mother can feel. For someone to tell you that you lost a precious baby and there is nothing you can do about it. I was just turning 6 weeks so there was no need for a d & c. As a mother you should never go through the pain you experience when losing a child no matter what situation. Till i meet my precious angel in heaven....

In memory of our angel baby

A sweet poem for all angel babys...

I thought of you and closed my eyes And prayed to God today I asked, "What makes a Mother?" And I know I heard him say A Mother has a baby This we know is true But, God, can you be a mother When your baby's not with you? Yes, you can he replied With confidence in his voice I give many women babies When they leave it is not their choice Some I send for a lifetime And others for the day And some I send to feel your womb But there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this God I want my baby here He took a breath and cleared his throat And then I saw a tear I wish I could show you What your child is doing Here If you could see your child smile With other children and say "We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear, but My mommy loved me so much I got to come straight here!" I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me I learned my lessons very quickly My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much But I visit her each day When she goes to sleep On her pillow is where I lay I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek And whisper in her ear "Mommy, Please don't be sad today I'm your baby and I am here" So you see my dear sweet one Your children are okay Your babies are here in My home And this is where they'll stay They'll wait for you with Me Until your lessons there are through And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates waiting for you So now you see What makes a Mother It's the feeling in your heart It's the love you had so much of Right from the very start

Pregnant!

Yes it's true! I am pregnant! I took 2 pregnancy tests on July 9th, 2009 after i started spotting and i waited a few days for my period to come and it didnt so i thought it was time to take a test to see if i was or not or if i was just stressed out. Well both tests were positive with a second faint line. I went to the clinic yesterday and took an offical test and yes i am pregnant approx 5 1/2 weeks. This is not the ideal situation for me at this time but, I do believe that god only gives you what you can handle and "everything happens for a reason".... The first person i told was a close friend of mine cynthia. Then i told Alex's mom the next day on friday that i took 2 tests and they both came back positive and she gave me a couple of hugs and told me that she would be here for me and i am glad because me and alex are no longer a couple. So i need the more support i can get! I told her i didnt want to tell alex for a litte bit due to his reaction from when i told him i was pregnant with Jaselle. So i am still not 100 % at how he knows but he eventually found out on friday night and he was so mad and yelled at me and i hung up on him and told him when he gets more respect for me to call back. Well the whole weekend i didnt hear from him. So monday comes and his mom tells me that Yes he is mad but, he should of been more careful if he was so worried about it and she told me not to stress on it, which i am not. Well then he called me last night twice one conversation was not so happy and then the second one was more happy and he is starting to actually get it through his head as he is going to be a daddy one more time... He shared a name with me that he really likes for a girl "Lexi" and i do like that too. So i guess all i can do is keep my head up and take one step at a time. And i will get through this and be blessed with another little baby. Oh i forgot my due date is 03/14/10....

ooo laaalaaa

You Are Shrewd and Talented

When You Are Comfortable: You are ambitious, and hard-working. Adversity allows you to shine. You resourceful and able to make due. People see you as honest to the point of bluntness. But they always know that you'll be fair. You have the good intentions. When You Are At Your Best: You are a hard worker. You need security and stability in your life, even if that means putting in long hours. People see you as solid and dependable. You are always able to see the good in situations. Other find this comforting. When You Are in a Social Setting: You are bold and dramatic. You have confidence in yourself, and that's enough to get you through anything. People see you as capable and goal oriented. You have your eye on the prize, and others admire that about you.

What Do Your Initials Say About You?

Yummy...

You Are Chocolate

You are dramatic, charming, and downright addicting. You have a strong personality, and and people are drawn to your fabulousness. You are stimulating and exciting. It's hard to get tired of you. You are incredibly likable and popular. You live a glorious life.

Are You Chocolate or Vanilla?

WWYT?

Ok so as you all may know or might not know Alex my x his mom watches the baby..

So sometimes i will pick her up at the end of her road cause she lives up a mountain or i will pick her up at target if his mom is going in to town so, tonight was Target.
I got there a few minutes before she showed up, i was on the phone with a friend and i see out of the corner of my eye alex and his brother. I look up and he immediately turns around! Ok wtf!

What is the big deal/problem???

Does he HATE me that much to avoid me... Ok ya maybe he is trying to avoid drama but OMG how much of a man is he to do that???

If i wasnt on the phone i would of most likely cried. So his mom shows up a few minutes later and of course he is gone but, HELLO why would he do that???

I have dont nothing but give him the best of my life for the last 4 years and its like he doesnt see it ?? Or doesnt want to see it? Not sure which!

So tonight offically marks 24hours not speaking to him...

I felt perfectly fine except for this bullshit of him turning around why is he trying to avoid me...

What a son of a bitch!

He will pay one of these days i know that and believe in KARMA...

He is not going to like it when he is in the position that i am in....

I gave him the best days of his LIFE....

Not my idea of fun but its LIFE

Ok today was the first visit Jaselle had with her dad without me being there.. :(

He is suppose to see her Tuesday, Thursday and Sundays because all the other days he says that he is way too busy with other stuff. So Whatever!!! Ok so i knew today was tuesday so when his mom came to pick up Jaselle from my job this morning i told her that i wanted Jaselle to stay up there till 7:00 instead of 5:00 so her dad can spend a little bit of time with her. He is totally against coming to my place. I think its too much for him to handle and when he is here he remembers that we shared this home together.. At least in my opinion...

So basically i went to pick up Jaselle from his mom and i was so happy to see my baby. I hate having to leave her longer just for her dad to see her kwim. I dont think he really cares to see her only when it's convient for him kwim... It's pretty dam sad! But one day is all i can say he will see it all one day and he will end up suffering the hard way just like i have been...

So the next visit is thursday and I am not happy but hey i got to be doing this for the next 16years of my life...

Sunday is fathers day i wonder if he wants her to spend it with him??? I dont think i should have to offer it to him but, I feel like i have to baby him still....

It's getting a little bit better everyday i havent cried today so that makes me so happy =)

And its a good thing isnt it? (not to cry?)

All that matters is that i am here for my smart beautiful baby girl

♥ Jaselle ♥

Drama is making me sick...

Ok here it goes i work mon-fri 8:30 - 5:00, It never fails that when friday comes around Alex starts treating me like a big pile of shit. He made me cry yesterday at work so bad i had to ask to leave my job early OMG!.

He was pissed cause he wanted to borrow my jeep umm he must of bumped his dam head!

What is he thinking? I am so tired of getting used. So i said NO obviously and then i get a text message from him saying I will just use that girls Tahoe and i told him w/e go ahead!

And he just goes on and on in his text messages that he has a girlfriend that is a stripper in seattle which is about 3 hours away... I told him good for you... If all he can get is some nasty skanky stripper than more power to him.... Oh k so his mom watches the baby and she is so nice i still feel like she is my mom/m-i-l whatever you wanna call it she gets there and see's me crying my eyes out and she asks me what is wrong i tell her that Alex doesnt want to see Jaselle and he is not going to give me the support money that i do count on and i told her what he is saying about his "girlfriend" and that he is going to bring her to my house and blah blah.. His mom said she doesnt understand why Alex has changed so much and i told her i am not sure either but, I do still love him and she said she knows that we were together just a little over 4 years together... :( So his mom gives me a hug and tells me not too worry or stress over it but omg i feel sick all day everyday so i dont know if i can possibly be pregnant and not know it or if i am just stressed out to the point of no return... She told me that I am like a daughter to her and she is there for me which makes me feel good.

So i have $6.00 to my name and I have to put that in for gas OMG! I feel so stupid for relying on Alex to give me the support money.

I promised myself i was going to stay strong and not awnser the phone if he calls or the dorr if he shows up or the text messages . Because if you really look at it this is abuse that i am taking from him.

He texted me last night almost 9:00 pm and says can you send a picture of jaselle

Well i didnt cause i am not going to supply him with what he needs he knows how his daugter looks like so he can show his skanky little girlfriend...

You would think his text message would consist of asking how his daugher is doing but hell no he seems not to give a shit..

So i made it throught another night without any calls or text messages from him.

So i am off to clean the house & feed Jaselle breakfast...

I wonder what this day consists of....?

20 Months Old

I cant believe it...

My little girl is already 20 months old..

WOW!!!

I give all thanks to god for blessing me with my beautiful little girl...

I cherish every moment i have with her she is worth it all...

Everyday is a new adventure with her... :)

I want her to grown up to be a STRONG woman..

I know that i am molding her in to the woman that she will become..

I want her to know that i will ALWAYS be there for her no matter what.

She needs both her parents in her life but, she only has me.

So i need to be BETTER i need to be BOTH her MOTHER & FATHER

I want her to be proud of me when she grows up and she knows everything that i went through to try to give her a so called normal life, and everything i did in my power to try to have her father no i cant use the word "father" lets call him the "sperm donor" be involved in her life.

As i lay her down to sleep i look at her and I can see a little bit of both me & alex in her. It makes me cry because i will always have a little part of him no matter how much he has tried to take it all away from me!

To my beautiful daughter

Jaselle Mia

♥ Mommy Loves You ♥

How long can i possibly go through this .?.

Ok this is my first attempt at blogging so bare with me please... It will get better as i go!
It has been 45 days today since Alex moved out, You would think i would be getting over it & moving on with my life with Jaselle. But i am not i getting dragged more and more in to this crap.
We talk & tex back and forth everyday just like friends but, today i get a text from him telling me that a girl is showing up at his job saying that he is one of my 'friends' and asking him to go out this weekend blah blah... I am so hurt that he feels the need to be so honest!

He was not even that honest with me when we were in our relationship of four years and now! WTF.!. Dont get me wrong I love him with all my heart but, OMG how much can i deal with before i have a flippin breakdown!!! I just wish he loved me the way i love him & we could make this work! I have to be Super STRONG for my little girl. She is the most imporant thing to me...

I am sorry to have to vent but this is the only way i can get it off my chest...

♥ TO BE CONTINUED ♥